i write words of love, yet i have not loved
how can i be writing things which i have not felt ?!
could it be that i have indeed loved, once, without even knowing
could it be, that my hate and resentment, was once love, so long time ago ??

if i have not loved, how can i hate ?!
how can one know sadness without knowing what happiness is ??
if i have not loved, than what is this i feel
whenever i see this shadow in my dreams
even now, i still see him, passing through every corner of my dreams
those feelings beyond what words can say
those feelings, only felt when i'm in my dreams
so real, yet so unreal...
for i can no longer tell a dream from the real world
when i'm seeing him even with eyes wide open

juz a shadow lingering by my side
he is my only sanity, reminding me hate is not all i have
even when noone else knows that he's there, he's there
even if noone belives he's there, he's there
by my side, even when i'm awake
to remind me that even if the whole world hates me now
at least i'll have 1 person who i can turn to
and trust that he, and only he, will not betray me
as we are one and the same..
he is my madness, and my sanity
the part of myself where i retreat to when seeking peace
the part i retreat to when i need a solitary place

yes, i think i've loved, and am still loving
but the object of my love and hatred may not be what i thought to be
it's no the world, or other people, which i loved or hated
it was me, myself all along, all these times
it's juz me, myself, in a world of my own

in this
Ever Changing
environment

people
wif their ever Changing
Hearts

Bonds,
& Feelings
which remains
the same
(through time and space)

has become
so rare,
so precious

beauty of the sakura tree (part 1)

a single Cherry Blossom tree

blossoms

in a mid afternoon

in a solitary place

a place where noone has ever been to

However Beautiful,

However Macnificent

However Alluring

noone will ever know

for noone has seen it's beauty

for noone knows it exist...

......................................

gtg~

have another "visual" poetry to post..
but i really need to sleep now..><
so see if i'm able o wake slightly early to post it....
if not than gotta wait till my off day, thur to upload it..;p
nitez..^^

pls stay, don't go
at least for the nite,
stay wif me, stay by my side
don't leave,
don't go.. ...

it's not tat i'm afraid of the dark
i juz don't like to b alone

but if u really must leave
than leave,
go,
to where your heart desire to be
i will not hold u back
Go..be by her side,
and hold her hands through the nite
she needs u more than i do
for she is frighten of the dark
while i...?
i juz don' t like to be alone

terri-kay
7/12/09

..."darkness is all that is left in this broken paradise"...

..."emptiness is all there is to this meanless life"...

..."so what is there to this gal you see,
who is sweet while being gothic and emo at the same time...
who is in search of meaning to life & death"...

..."what awits us in the life after death,
is it the the blinding lights & peacful aura of heavens,
and GOD's welcome wif open arms...
the hells raging fire & cries of thousands suffering souls,
and SATAN's welcome wif spear & whip in his hands, an evil smile,
and a pot of boiling oil behind him"...

..."or juz plain nothingness, neither God nor Satan awaits...
only your soul, drifting, wondering aimlessly,
the vast world of pure emptyness"...

25/11/09 02

cut myself, but it won't bleed
bite myself, but it won't bleed
should i cut deeper, bite harder?
or should i use a sharper knife instead of a stupid wine key??
______________________________________________

the kind and gentle "me" is still in there
even though she may not seems to be
for i cannot hurt others, juz as much as i cannot hurt myself

it would seems that she's somewhere in the depth of our subconscious
preventing the worst from happening
from a place i can never reach, somewhere where i cannot stop her..

25/11/09 01

chain me up, and abuse me
whip me if it pleases you
induce pain onto my flesh
pain enough to numb the heart
the bleeding, aching heart of mine
________________________

let her cry, let her be
for this is how things are from the very beginning
fooled by those kindness
blinded by the light
taken for-granted are the nature of man
forgetting the darkness which awaits
on the other side, behind the curtains
well hidden by a vail of vain hypocrisy

lost of a family, lost of another loved ones
genuine sadness, overflowing sorrows
people are crying, with their tears unseen
hearts are aching, smiles are fading
having lost someone important, their other half
they are slowly whithering, dying from within

friends, family, and other close ones
those who are still around,
those who are left behind,
being there for one another
to become each other's support
is all there is to do, is all that has to be done
in order to ensure that those whom they care for
are strong enough to carry on life as usual
they themselves have to be strong
so as to become a pillar of support for others..

looking up to the starry sky,
with such comforting wind
blowing gently through one's hair

the clouds, the stars, the sky, the wind
all seems so beautiful at this point of time
during this short-lived moment
before the sun rises, before daybreak..

lavia kay
22/11/2009 (0620h)

random 19/11/2009

i shall stone, in a daze
~to dream~to wish~
~to hope~to pray~
to have a chance to
be with you again~ ^^

your smile / あなたの笑顔

brighter than any stars
you are
more comfortable than any forms of comfort

never fail to make me feel better
your smile
so rare, so priceless,
so precious it is, to me
i hide it not only in the in the depths of my memory
but deep in my heart, & deep in my soul

beyond the reach of anyone, or anything
somewhere where it can always remain as it is
un-touched, un-tainted, un-change-able

(supposed to be) last poem to him/ for him/ (inspired) by him

hunted by the ghost of you..
why won't you juz let me be..
everywhere i turn it's you i see..
why can't you juz set me free..
the agony of knowing i'm not the 1 for you
tore me up real bad inside..
waking from the dream
knowing we were never meant to be
cause me to feel pain i've never felt..
no longer to be hunted by the past of you and i..
a sweet memory that's all it should be..
not a phantom of you lingering aruond
reminding how thing were for you and me..
not to love you anymore
is all i can pray and wish for..
knowing you're better off without me..
even though for you i can give up my all..
but neither you nor ishould be living a life made of lies..

kay29/06/2009

rain & shine/cherish

let it pour,let it rain
may the waters wash away my pain
too much for my heart to bare
it's slowly taking my life away

where's the sun, let it
it warm my frozen heart
so cold, so hardit no longer feels or beats

gentle breeze, blow for me
carry my sorrows with you
bring it far from my heart
may it disappear forever

dark abyss, never to come near me
you have lock me up long enough
taking away warmth and light
robbing my very life from me

to laugh, to cry, to smile, to frown
to love, to hate, to live, to play
to be myself with no fear of rejections
to cherish life, live with no regrets..

6july 09

i'm a sinner, i've sinned a sin
so great, i should've been drag to the depths of hell
stake me for my mistakes, burn me for my sins
never am i allowed to walk the surface as one of the living
but rather as a walking, breathing, living dead

i've wanted that of which i should't even dream of
i've desire for that of which i shouldn't even think of
i've held close of which i shouldn't even touch
i've lived a life which should've been mine
is it really me living this life when i should've been long dead

carrying a curse, a burden, a unwanted gift
to live a life, not being able to dream, to crave, to want, to hope
everything goes wrong once my heart starts feeling any of those
all those i've once held dear to me, had all disappear
all those i've ever wanted juz moved further from me, the harder i try

stake me for my mistakes, burn me for my sins
for i've felt loved, warmth, and even hope
i've had dreams of sunlights and companionship
i've had desire to love, be loved, and even to be
in the embrace of he who is special, feeling his heart close to mine

am i allowed to go through the doors of happiness
am i allowed to hold the keys of hope
am i allowed to feel the gentle breeze in daylight
am i allowed a future which is mine to shape with my own hands
am i allowed to live a life which is mine to hold

kay 23/06/09

Blue Moon Cries/ 青い月叫び

Sounds of Sorrow, Sounds of Griff
Sounds of lonely despair, longing for Peace
Pitiful howls which tells a tale
of a tragic past filled with blood and tears

13 years once, people hide
on the night when the blue moon's high
and the river of life runs dry
for it's the night when the Blue Moon Cries

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

悲しみのサウンド、グリフの音
孤独、絶望、平和のためのあこがれの音
哀れなの話に指示鳴き声
悲劇的な過去の血と涙でいっぱいに

13年に1度、人々を非表示
夜にブルームーンの高
生命の川実行乾燥の
ために夜のときに、ブルームーン叫び

kanashimi no saundo , gurifuno oto
kodoku , zetsubō , heiwa no tame no akogare no oto
aware na no hanashi ni shiji nakigoe
higeki teki na kako no chi to namida de ippai ni

13nen ni 1do , hitobito wo hi hyōji
yoru ni burū mūn no kō
seimei no kawa jikkō kansō no
tame ni yoru no toki ni , burū mūn sakebi

a little something for a short story i never had time to write

i'm missing the blue moon
which i once saw,
in my dreams,
with noone to hold.

i'm missing the gentle breeze
which ran through my hair,
feeling it's comforting touch
with my cold bleeding hands.

i certianly misses you!
a kind, gentle soul...
a part of my past...
in the depths of my memory...
a boy whom i met...
only in my dreams... ...

~changes/変化~

just like the sands of time
slipping through one's fingers
slowly...but surely...

Bonds and Relations between people
goes through changes as times goes by
some endured...while others fade

people comes and people goes
cherish those who're close to you
for who will stay...we'll never know

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

時間の砂と同じように
指の間から滑り
ゆっくりと... だが、確かに...

社債および関係人々の間
変化を通過する時間が経つにつれて
いくつかの我慢... ...しながら他のフェード

人が来て、人が行く
人が近くにいる大切
にとって滞在する...我々を知ることはありませんよ

jikan no suna to onaji yō ni
yubi no ma kara suberi
yukkuri to ... da ga , tashika ni ...

shasai oyobi kankei hitobito no ma
henka wo tsūka suru jikan ga tatsu nitsurete
ikutsu ka no gaman ... ...shi nagara ta no fēdo

hito ga ki te , hito ga iku
hito ga chikaku ni iru taisetsu
nitotte taizai suru ...wareware wo shiru koto wa ari mase n yo


Kay written 30/11/07
edited 08/06/09

bloody beautiful view

*note regarding this post*
(ps. PLS visualise if possible, if not at least try to..
otherwise it would seems abit senseless or something
for this is a SUPER short one, and the beauty & meaning
comes from the image which i've seen in my head..
many thanks~)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Beautiful gardens, Crimson Roses
Blooming in the darkest of times
Accompanied by the cries of many Widows

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

reminder of him..11 nov 09

his gentleness, i cannot forget
his silence, it still linger
his shadow, never fading
his love, was never for me

he's a player who played his game well
though his felings might have been true
but they were never real to begin with

"how i wish i could hate him"
"how i wish i could forget him"
"how i wish i could regret knowing him"
how i wish, i would wish for all these

my heart wouldn't allow me to hate him
nor would it allow me to forget him
how could i regret knowing him, when even after so long
even after all these, i'm still glad i've met him in "97" that nite
and i could not forget how he place his head on mine,
when i was sleeping on his shoulder in a cab...
that gentleness, i could not forget...

sorry~

got think 2 more to post..but will post them up a little later..cuz really gotta go sleep alreadi~
and for those who have been reading this blog of mine, really appreciate it..^^
honto ni arigatou for you support nya~^^
can't promise tat i'll post more often as is kinda hard for me to catch some of the inspiration i get sometimes when it comes while i'm in the middle of a busy nite @ work..><
wad i can do is try to read more stuff (i say i'll TRY..) and will post here some things which i like..(provided i can get past falling asleep even before finish reading 2whole page..;p)
mayb you guys/gals can also suggest some books which you think it's good and that i should read up ones..

thats it for now..gotta head towards lala land before i go brain-dead again..;p
oyasumi~ nitez~ wan an~ xD ZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZzzzzzzzzzzzzzZ

love me, hate me..do wadever you wan but dun try to change me~

love me for the gal i am
hate me for the monster i have inside
take for granted the good i've done
criticized for the slightest mistake i've made

i tried to believe, i tried to like
this world we lived in, so dark, so veil
i tried to listen, i tried to speak
to the people living among us, all so fake, so vain

i tried to forgive, tried to forget
the greed of men, and the useless me

i've tried my best, i really did
tried so hard, that the darkness of the world had swollowed me whole
and i've realisedthe darkness of a humans heart
is something even the brightest of light cannot pierce through..

12/06/09..inspired by the song "looking for angel"

everyone's looking for a rainbow
we'll search high & low, near & far
everyone's looking for somewhere they belong
somewhere they can be accepted for who they are

some people wants the pot of gold, on the other end of the rainbow
some people wants to fly freely, like the doves flying high in the sky
to be rich, to be free, to become a somebody someday

living in fear, living in poverty
among injustice, and inequality
people calling out, people screaming loud
people scrambling the streets, looking for an angel

a friend, a family, or even a strange juz around the corner
angels can be found in the strangest places
juz take a closer, deeper look at every brothers and sisters
angels can be found even in you and in me

蒼い月の光

faint moonlight of the gentle blue moon
shining upon the lonely earth
branches sways as the cold wind blows
she sits there crying, on a starless nite

"light of blue, is light of loneliness
words can't be spoken, is words of the heart
everyone's here, but noone's around
is the world in which i lives in
'living hell' that's what they call it
is the only place of my existance"

her eyes are dead, her heart is numb
her soul no longer sings of love and joy
with eyes that are dead, and a heart which is numb
what future does she have when her soul no longer dream

21 nov 08

if this is a dream, i would pray no to wake

but at the back of my head, i still remember that dreams don't last

somehow i wish, to wake sooner, and not to dream too long

for the world is too cruel to those who had juz awaken from their sleep

"i have the Abyss too well

the coldness and darkness has surrounded me too long

but even when i should've been numb to the Abyss

the cold, dark pit still scares me even now

i have longed for warmth and light

to be in the embrace of hope and joy

but when they're there in front of me

i dare not reach out to hold it close

for i'm afraid the Abyss might grab me back

after i had once held those dreams in my hands

and that days might get harder to pass by

as i've once felt the comfort those dreams bring

the cruelness of he Abyss gets harder to bare"

something written for him..25 feb 09

Juz to be there,
hiding in one small corner
watching Him queitly frm a distance,
would be enough for me.

To feel wad He's feeling,
His pain, His anger, His happiness, His sadness
to share His tears and laughter
would be wad i wish for

Luv Him wif My all
without Him knowing
to become one of His many buddies
would be a dream for me

You are the special "Anata" for me
even if you do not think so
juz to luv you,
openly if you allow,
secretly in the dark if it burdens you
will be all i ever wanted

something written for him..23 feb 09

I Miss U!
But I Can't See U :(
I can Only Put U in my heart
I can't let u see me now
Cuz i can't hide it well enough
And i dun wan U to see
Juz how much i miss ya
As a friend, i dun wan u to worry
As some1 who loves ya,
i dun wish to scare u.
i dun wanna lose u again
I can only wait till my heart is strong
And everyone thinks I'm alrite
Than, I can see U
And hope U, like everyone else,
can't see my pain

光/ 闇

the darkness of the abyss does not seem so dark to one who has not seen the light
the brightness of the sun does not seems so bright to one who has not seen the darkness
the coldness of winter does not seems so cold to one who has not felt the warmth of summer
the hottness of the desert does not seems so hot to one who has not felt the winter cold

one who has never known love can never know true loneliess
one who has never been embraced will not know the sadness of loneliness
one who have not tasted the sweeter side of life will not know the bitter side is bitter
one who knows nothing about anything knows not what lies waithing in the future

feelin lost, feelin cold
suddenly feelin all alone
even though i'm surrounded by people
it juz seem like i'm all alone

no one's there
there's no one to hold
even if i cry
i'll be crying alone

i wanna call out
but there's no one to call out to
so i simply cry 'save me! anyone!"
and pray with my eyes closed
that someone will eventually hear it

i've known the darkness too well
i've known this pain too well
even when i may be smiling
it is juz to hide the pain my heart bares
while dripping tears of blood

i seek comfort in looking upon the moon and stars
which are there for the lonely nite sky
and it seems as though they are there for me too
sayin 'there there..we're here..so there's no need to cry tonite'

i seek comfort in the wind
blowing through the erth be it day or nite
as if there to cheer me up
sayin 'you are not alone..i'm here for you..so be brave'

あなたがいなくて寂しい,曇

treat me nice treat me good
treat my juz the way you should
give me all the love you possibly could
and i will be yours truely for good

stay with me stay by my side
tell me everything's gonna be alright
hold my hand through the night
and wrap your arms around me tight

pls be there when i cry
only you can bring me comfort and joy

i need you yes i do
nothing else i want except you
juz being there with you makes me smile
juz the sight of you can stop my flowing tears

every time we touch / cascada

every time we touch,
you pull me out from the cold dark abyss.
bringing warmth and light,
showing me what love is

*this super short poem is written for a radio contest (987) for cascada CD hamper..
and to my surprise mine was the winning poem the dj chose..(i actually didn't think i stand a chance and was half asleep whan she called me)..she said the reason why she picked this was bcuz of the feeling/emotions it carries..and asked who was i refering to..but the truth is that it was written out of what i was searching for rather then wad i felt before..anyways..this is one of my fav piece of work too..*

clouds in the sky / secerets of the heart

looking out into the starlit night sky
watching as the clouds drift by
reaching out to feel the chilling winter breeze
gently blowing through my finger tips

longing to see you face to face
to feel your soft gentle lips once again
wanting to feel you skin to skin
to be in your warm embrace just once again

never knew i could love someone
never knew love till you came
my heart could only beat to the rythem of your heart
but our future lies in oblivion, it was never meant to be

thank you for showing what's love to me
however short-lived it may be,it's still as great as it could be
a bitter sweet memory, that's what it is
for you are the cloud i see, but can never reach...

2nd june 09

random

i am a nobody
nobody loves me
and for that
only i love me
for nobody loves me
and i am nobody
(and this shit shall continue till forever)
...............
.................
...................

cries of nature/ greed of man

for every cry we fail to hear
for every tear we fail to see
lies a sacrifice to be made
and a price to be paid

when those flowing tears turned to tears of blood
and those pitiful cries turned into howls of hate
with all her might she shall strike
unleashing all her anger and despair

one by one, her beloved children are dying
drop by drop, her broken aching heart is bleeding
bit by bit, her hate and fury is building
day by day, her countdown has begin

2nd june 09

心の涙

how broken can one's heart be
how whole can one's soul be
how much tears can one cry
how deep can one's love be

try to think of everything
and anything but you
but somehow anything & everything
are a reminder of you

love can tear one up
without leaving any scars to be seen
love can kill one's soul
leaving behind a empty shell without life

one's heart is numb by the pain
that it no longer feel anything other than the pain it last felt
one's eye has ran out of tears to cry
that heaven has to cry for one's behalf and flood the world with one's sorrow

reflection after watching a very disturbing video

what is right..
what is wrong..
why do people do things which are unforgivable..
even after knowing so..
where is the kindness..
where is the soul..
why do people bury their heart and kill their soul..
and fall to a place even lower then that of where Lucifer reside..
where is the justice..
where is god..
why are innocent people with heart & soul dying..
yet those who are better off dead ear still going strong..
is god blind..
does he not feel..
the pain & suffering of those violently killed..
is god deaf..
does he not hear..
the painful cries & weil of the dead while they're being killed..

dark moonlight / 暗い月の光

something has changed deep inside
no longer run, no longer hide
embracing whatever the sleeps inside
being fun, being cruel
no longer strictly abiding by the rule
all of me, i'm setting free
no longer chained up in captivity
all the me, i was forced to be
now are just part of what has been
where there's light, there will be me
Let the Darkness spread through Society.........

130909...

Am i here, or am i not..?
Am i not seen..?
Am i not heard..?
I walk among you, do i not exsist..?
What's Heaven..?
What's Hell..?
What is the World that we live in..?

This World is llike a Coin,
with Heaven & Hell as its sides...
I'm there, amidst the crowd,
i exsist among the many people, but never part of them...
For i can be there beside them,
but i am neither seen nor heard...
My body's alive, my Soul's dead...
My heart's beating, but i'm like a living dead...
I'm here, where i don't belong,
where i'm not welcomed, and i'm never part of...

cries in the dark/ 暗闇の中で泣く (poem)

calling, crying, screaming out
to your name which you can never hear
streching out my hands
reaching out to your shadow
which i can never hold

breaking down, falling apart
my heart's can bleed no more
tears no longer flow from these eyes
which no longer have any life in them

staring out into to vast emptyness
feeling totally nothing but lost
not knowing anything anymore
not knowing myself anymore

still calling, crying, screaming out
somewhere in the depth of my soul
no longer having a name to call out to
my soul cries out for anyone
anyone at all who can hear my screams,
my cries, my S.O.S..

loneliness/ 寂しさ

never want to wake from the dream of you and me..
even if it turns out to be a nightmare..
it'll be a sweet and beautiful nightmare...
be it whatever happens..
at least you're with me..
for reality is cold and cruel..
streached out my hands..
but there's noone to hold..
opened my eyes only to see that you're not there..
the sun in my dream no longer shines..
the gentle breeze, so comfortable..
has now turned to cold winter wind..
freezing anything in it's way..
and i've woken up to the reality i've got to face..
that i'm once again alone in this vast world..
with people all around, but noone's here..

shadow of darkness/ 闇影

as i walk through the many paths of life
feeling lost & wary, and stumble at times
never able to escape the ghost of the past
always catching up with me no matter how hard i try
it never fails to cast its shadow over my wary soul
it's darkness calling out, reaching out to me
tempted at times to take it's hands
and just disappear from the world i so hated at times
to hide in the cold dark abyss i so feared
so that it's coldness could freeze my heart
and that i can no longer feel hurt or pain
no longer cry, no longer smile
no longer feel, be it sadness or happiness

random...

sinking into a world of darkness..rains of regrets & unfulfilled promises..
reaching out to the light, all so blinding..within holds the answers worth seeking..
can a sinner hope for forgiveness..can a sinner find happiness..
when will the world start to see..when will the world stop & listen..
when will the world divided reunite..when will people of world apart be as one..

man made beauty

there she was, entering the club on a sunday nite..the club was dim, and she was shining..
all eyes were on her as she stood out frm the crowd, not only bcuz of her height, but her charm and beauty as well..her long wavy hair all tied up, showing off her well angled face..her well tanned skin and long slender legs..too gd to be true, too perfect to be real..
she's dancing right in the middle of the dancefloor..enjoying all the attention shes getting..
not naturely born with what she have now, but bought with money and pain..
but 1 can't help to be drawn in by he charm..even if she was born of the opposite sex..
gotta admit that whoever she went for to seek for help did a wonderful job..
and 1 is left to ponder the definition of beauty..

welcome..^^

as you can tell frm da blog's title..this is oso part of my "kay/matsu" blog..
only diff is tat this blog will b more for poetry which i've written, i liked frm somewhere or for some short stories i've written..feel free to leave comments but NO HATE POST allowed here..
many thanks to all my friends who stick wif me through wadeva shits i've been through..
luv ya all..!!! ^^